Today is the celebration of life service for Jenna Jacob.
This is the 6th grader that died last week after her body gave in to the effects of cancer and its treatments.
I feel a sad peace- a solomness, and want to inquire to God Almighty about all of this.
This past week has been filled with news of death & sickness. A 6th grader at our school died last week after years of battling cancer. I cannot state she lost her battle. I see that she is free from the pain of it, and that is not a loss by any means. We have lost her, and although I am not her teacher, and really never even had a conversation with her. I will miss her. Her gentle and quiet smile-sometimes half smile that caught my eye in the halls of our shared school. The knowing look when I had lost my hair to the chemo treatment I underwent the spring of 09′, and by then she had regained hers with thick beauty. I have grief in my heart that gets stuck in my throat about this girl. This little girl that spend half her lifetime suffering from the effects of cancer and its treatment. Processing this challenges me to my core.
We will all gather this week during the evening to celebrate her life as her mother wishes. I am certain this is what Jenna wanted, too. I don’t really know what to expect, but plan to come open and listening.
I will know her more through this timed of shared grief and joy for the time her mom did have her. I cannot fathom losing my child to death. I want to be a kinder and more tender mother at the very thought of this.
I have also learned of a friend’s husband battling another form of cancer, and he is at the initial steps of treatment. His case sounds very complex and hopeful, but the complexity of it seems to be wanting to dash this couple’s hope. I pray God leads them to the east coast and MGH.
Yesterday, I have learned of a precious woman’s impending battle against bladder cancer. It all seems too much. This weekend, for the first time (it seems), I am angry. I AM ANGRY AT CANCER, AND WHAT IT PUTS PEOPLE THROUGH.
The diagnosis, the treatment, the healing, and even the dying from it seems to be unbearable.
Well, I have made it to forty nine.
I laughed when someone congratulated me on my birthday last evening.
As I reflected on the gutteral laughter her comment caused to me. I realized how so very appropriate the response was for me.
I feel a sense of a need to be congratulated-as if it is a milestone-on my birthday.
In a way, being a cancer patient frames birthdays in this manner.
It is also a time to reflect on being given a year.
So, this is the beginning of my 49th year on earth, and I would like it to count in deep and abiding ways as I approach 50 a day at a time.
Big sigh.
Smile.
I wrote my mother this morning, and remember a poem she had once inserted into a card to me during “my frowning” years.
“What sunshine is to the flowers
Smiles are to humanity
They are but trifle to be sure
But scattered along life’s pathways
The good they do is inconceivable”
I have never forgotten that poem, and it seems appropriate to remember it today on my first birthday celebrated post chemo treatment!
I plan to smile more this year.
Worry less.
Live better.
Love more.
Stay kind-hearted.
Believe deeper.
Explore.
Inspire.
Live.
I just had a wonderful weekend celebrating my dear friend’s fiftieth birthday. Sharing, eating, drinking champagne, and remembering times when we all were 20 something. Laughing and enjoying were the main themes of the evening.
Being able to stay up really late and talking with two longtime friends was a gift.
Nearing fifty myself, I am grateful, so grateful, for this freedom I feel to live forward. I worry less. Ironic, in a way, now, I have more to worry about, but somehow this experience with cancer has brought me to a place of “less worry”. I feel so utterly in the hands of God, that I cannot really stay worried for too long. His presence fills the gaping holes that widen when I worry. So, thankfully, worry never seems to last too long. Beside, what does “worry” really ever change? I have learned this the hard way. Seems like most of my life’s lessons have come along like this. However, post cancer lessons are coming at a much quieter and softer pace. I believe I have slowed down enough to hear those lessons be whispered to me as I see them unfold.
My parents will have been married 50 something years tomorrow. They wed in 1958. The loyalty for each other and the family they birthed holds them together securely. I am grateful for these two people-my parents.
February marks my birthday month. A birthday this year seems quite significant to me. There were several moments over these past two years that I didn’t think I’d make it to 49.
Now, I am reframing my diagnosis, and learning how to live forward.
It is challenging not to be in the fear or mistrust, but for today I choose to trust God, and not lean on my own understanding of all this.
Well, intentions are good, but….I have not been able to keep up with the blogging.
I am at my post three month after 18 months of chemo treatment point.
I went to see Dr. “C” yesterday to get the results from my CT scan.
C-L-E-A-R! I appreciate knowing that information.
I waited with 40% anxiety from Sunday to Monday when my appointment was scheduled.
It manifested with a restless sleep, and a state of discombobulation internally. It was weird, but I got through it, and come April for the next three month check up-I know what to expect, but then again, with a cancer diagnosis-do I really know what to “expect”?
As I was finishing the Avastin treatment in October 2010, after being encouraged to “hold off” on removing the power port in my right side of my chest, I humorously (but seriously) scolded my oncologist about feeling like the whole team of doctors are just waiting for this ovarian cancer that had previously invaded my ovaries and fallopian tubes and my stomach lining called something that begins with the letter “O” to creepily come back…
I insisted that my power port be removed in November, and that was granted to respect my psychological need to say “enough”.
I rely on Proverbs 3:5-6
The Lord spoke to me through this scripture many many months ago. In my darkest moments with dealing with this diagnosis I meditate on His word. He reminds me…
“Mary-Margaret, trust Me with all your heart. Do not lean on the knowledge of doctors. Do not lean on your fears, Acknowledge Me, Mary-Margaret. My Name. My Power. My Strength. My Love. I promised to direct your path and I have. This is the path I have led you to follow. Trust Me.”
Well, I just reread my January 1 posting, and realize it is now Spring-May 14th to be exact, and my desire to blog a lot in this new year was postponed by many events.
I am still journeying on a cancer free life…
My young son, teaching career, treatments, and everyday living keep me so busy.
Taking the time to write on a blog just isn’t happening…
I live life a day at a time now.
I am feeling the side effects daily from the study drug, but feel soooooooooo much better the further away I get from the last heavy artillery chemo treatment of this past September.
I am continuing on the 5-step health plan, but it has become the 4 -step and it continues to be:
1. prayer
2. nutrition
3. exercise
4. rest
I need to be more disciplined about the exercise, but it’s progress-not perfection!
I well up with gratitude towards God for saving my life and for my hair.
It’s back, and I now wear a sassy short “do”. It’s the new me, and I love it.
I am planning to blog more this year, and disclose more of my 2009 journey with the cancer diagnosis. I want to tell my story.
Chemo is complete. I am recovering everyday from its effects. As my nurse reminded me recently, the chemo drugs assaulted my body. However, the same drugs that did that also were used by God Almighty to kill the cancer cells.
So, I reframe the experience, and am actually grateful for the time I had treatments.
When I began 2009 last year-little did I know what was to come that Spring…
Last night, I looked over a scripture calendar I bought at the end of 2008, and was reminded how close God has been to my heart, my condition, my life in this past year.
January- Blessed are those who take refuge in him. Psalm 2:12
February-But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift my head. Psalm 3:3
March-O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! Psalm 8:1
April-and the ovarian cancer diagnosis came early in the month, and I was in surgery at MGH by April 17 As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. Psalm 18:30
May-Chemo treatment began..To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul…Psalm 25:1
June-finished school year, and ended well, but bald…The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. Psalm 28:7
July-was able to work part-time the whole month with high school students…it was tough, but so worthwhile…I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1
August-extremely challenging-it had two chemo treatments in it- For this is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end. Psalm 48:14
September-back to school and 6th of 6th chemo treatment! Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name…Psalm 105:1
October-I sensed that God used the chemo drug to eradicate ALL cancer cells from my “bruised” body…and my hair started coming back almost immediately post treatment-Great are the works of the Lord; they are pondered by all who delight in them, Psalm 111:2
November-Gaining strength, but battling much fear. The LORD will keep you from all harm-he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore, Psalm 121:7-8
December-I was able to travel to see my family! Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord. Psalm 150:6
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January 2010 Reads: He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God… Psalm 40:3
So, I journey into this new year with that on my heart. A New Song.
I know I have not written on this blog for weeks now. I have been struggling with many aspects of the diagnosis and walking out the reality of some of my limitations.
I know God is holding me, and appreciate all the prayers of all the people connected to my life praying for me.
Please continue your prayers!
I have drawn closer to Him, and life goes much better when I am clinging to Him.
This morning in my quiet time I was reminded of:
Psalm 71
1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.
2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me.
3 Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
4 Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of evil and cruel men.
5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD,
my confidence since my youth.
6 From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
I will ever praise you.
7 I have become like a portent to many,
but you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.
9 Do not cast me away when I am old;
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
10 For my enemies speak against me;
those who wait to kill me conspire together.
11 They say, “God has forsaken him;
pursue him and seize him,
for no one will rescue him.”
12 Be not far from me, O God;
come quickly, O my God, to help me.
13 May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.
14 But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
of your salvation all day long,
though I know not its measure.
16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD;
I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.
17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
18 Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, O God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your might to all who are to come.
19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?
20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.
22 I will praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
O Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy
when I sing praise to you—
I, whom you have redeemed.
24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
have been put to shame and confusion.
I have officially completed the chemo regime. My chemo doc words were to the effect of: If I thought two more treatments of chemo could extend your life 50 more years from 100 to 150 years-then I’d order 2 more treatments. I’ll take the 100 years…
So, now I am on the “study” drug only…which has its side effects, but NOT as drastic as chemo. (This will be completed in June.)
My recent CT-scan is clean and clear.
I am grateful everyday, and am now processing what has happened in the last six months of my life.
My emotions feel tender, but I can manage life well if I keep it “in the day.”