One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.

⁵ For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.

⁶ Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

⁷ Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.

⁸ My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, I will seek.

Okay, so this is how I dealt with the clumps of hair (mine) falling out as I ran my hand through it, in the shower, and as I pulled on it in disbelief. My state of hair affairs was extremely fragile Saturday morning. I decided to call “Faith” the hairdresser that gave me my transitional groovy short hair do (for Elisha’s sake) a few weeks ago. This kind-hearted stylist had offered to shave my head for free when the time came for the “fall-out”. She fit me in Saturday morning, and buzzed away. By the time I got into her salon, I had already grieved my loss, ( I sobbed on Saturday morning.) and reframed the whole situation like this: If the chemo is making my hair fall out. then it truly is doing it primary job of KILLING my cancer cells. Kudos to Kemo Shark! So, I am bravely posting my new look. I think I look like my brother Jeff-beloved Uncle “Harley Davison”. As long as I keep my head donned with the beautiful head wear-then my femininity is intact. That is a whole other issue as it relates to everything I have been through since April Showers of my major life events.

Well, a week prior to my first chemo treatment (May 28th) I had asked Dr. “C”, my chemo doc, “okay, so how long will the side effect of hair loss take”?  To my surprise she stated 2 weeks 2 days without hesitation.  Well, today is that day.  My hair wasn’t on my pillow as I imagined.  It is on top of my head, but if I run my hand through it, it’ll comes out in my fingers.  Weird.  Weird.  Weird.

Well, I drove my little guy and my brother- his beloved Uncle Harley Davison- to the airport this morning.  My day was busy at work, and I came home and crashed into a deep sleep-only to awake to a phone call from his sweet voice via my mom’s cell telling me his ears popped on the plane.  He sounded good, and I know he was in a car full of people who love and will care for him over these next 20 days as I finish my school year and gear up for Chemo Infusion #2. 

My older brother Jeff flew out from Ohio this past weekend to escort Elisha back to that region for some summer fun and family time.
I have been blown away by the beauty of this re-connection with him. I had forgotten how funny he can be, and we have enjoyed and had some really belly moving laughs. But, something that I will reflect upon throughout the summer months is this idea that my brother thinks hair is really over-rated. He commented on this a few times this weekend. I am convinced he really believes this. He himself showed up at Logan airport sporting a mighty short buzz cut. It has spoken to that part of me that is really freaked about losing my hair to these two chemo drugs that have been doing their cancer-killing duties since their arrival into my system on May 28th. “2 weeks and 2 days” are what the very smart and forthright Dr. “C” told me when I asked about the timeline for the particular side-effect of hair loss from the chemo drug blend I received.
So, I write with gratitude in my heart tonight for a brother that sacrificed a weekend to come retrieve his little nephew, humored his sister, and really just blessed all that he met here in New England by his kind-hearted presence.

Well, I am finding that the side effects to taking chemo therapy are multifaceted. Fatigue set in this week in bouts. Not to mention other things too embarrassing to blog. (However, some of you are privy to my Wednesday project-thanks to: MOM, and mom, Laurie, Cathy & Marlane-I got through it-so-to-speak (it got through me is more like it, huh?)
However, I worked today, and was productive in the end-of-the-school-year push. Actually, it seems everyone around me is pushing, but I am gliding. I cannot explain that other than I have this acute awareness that
I am going at a pace that is much s l o w e r than everyone else. Although, I am up and participating in my daily routines, every thing I do has a way different feel to it now that chemo is in my body fighting the cancer. When fear, doubt or anxiety invite me in or grip me, I lean in more heavily to my Heavenly Father. I keep the vision a friend shared with me that her husband had as they prayed for me one day not too long ago. The day she voice mailed the description of the visual her husband got while praying-little did she know-I was going to see Dr. Boruta at MGH, and get the pathology and prognosis of the ovarian cancer I had just been diagnosed with.
This visual image is something God uses to help me when challenges rise above my tolerance level. While they were praying for me, her husband saw Jesus and I on this huge rock out in a bay in the Santa Maria area in California. Jesus had His arms wrapped around me tightly as stormy & dark waves crashed upon the rock. The storm was from all sides and above, but Jesus’ light was shining through all the darkness and onto me.
I keep the voice mail saved, and listen to my friend’s sweet voice describe this above, and now I have shared it with my family and friends. Be encouraged. I am going to be okay through this STORM in my life.

Safe by Nicol Sponberg
These lyrics sum up most of my thoughts for today:
“I don’t know where I will be tomorrow
Take my hand and lead me through the night
I can see the sadness and the sorrow
I can feel the danger of the fight

Guarding my heart,
Your angels surround my soul
So how can I fail?

I will be safe wherever I go
I can be sure I’m never alone
And when I face whatever I find
I’ll always have You
So I can live like never before
You will be mine and I will be Yours
You’ll be forever walking with me
I know I’ll be safe
Safe with You here

Even though my eyes don’t get to see You
I will still believe that you are near
In my heart I know I’ll never leave You
You’re the One to take away my fear

Guarding my heart,
Your angels surround my soul
So how can I fail?

I will be safe wherever I go
I can be sure I’m never done
And when I face whatever I find
I’ll always have You
So help me live like never before
You will be mine and I will be Yours
You’ll be forever walking with me
I know I’ll be safe with You here

From the darkness and on to the glory
By Your hand we will conquer the night
Take my every breath, take my every move
I give You my life”

Well, I actually went back to work today after 24 hours of what seemed like a bone breaking flu.
I awoke at some point last night with what seemed like a flu-breaker sweat with this thought:
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. That is from the bible in Jeremiah 29:11
I was grateful just to get out of bed, and have some normalcy of my daily routine.
******************************************Enough about me:
It is my brother Jeffrey’s birthday today. (He is older, but I bet he feels younger than I do at this moment!)
Elisha and I have affectionately re-named him Uncle “Harley Davison”.

I just want to say a quick hello to all. I am tired, and understanding chemo fatigue in a new way-now that chemotherapy is a reality. I feel sooooooo tired. However, I forced myself to walk outside this evening with Elisha. I ate small meals all day to stay off the nausea verses taking more anti-nausea drugs. I am trying to limit my pill (never knew there could be so many variations of a drug against nausea) intake to a minimum, and just listen to my body tell me what it needs. It is saying “sleep” at the moment.
It was good to breathe in the fresh air tonight, and just move my body forward. It was beautiful to watch my very active 5 year old just “run”! Experiencing these chemo drugs feels somewhat surreal. I am reflecting on Cathy’s (my oldest sister’s comment last week about “mind over matter”) I had to overcome the EXTREME fear of having to give myself lovenox shots daily to thin my blood. Pronto! Cathy used that statement via a phone call to help ease my freak out of having to do something I really did not want to do. (My lovenox story will come soon in a short video)
So, I am asking God tonight to help me keep my mind (positive) over my matter (my tired body), and help me get my aching body out of bed in the morning to worship Him and fellowship at church. That’s the plan. I will keep you posted. Be well everyone!

Jane Miller is my primary nurse in the infusion room. She is so kind, efficient, positive, encouraging & very smart. Her expertise as it pertains to chemotherapy is amazing. She is taking good care of me.